I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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