I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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