i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
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Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just pee around me
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LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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