Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
