I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
