We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
