Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
