I just cut my nipple shaving
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
