Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
