He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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