im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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