I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
