i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
