He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
