drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Still dying that you shit outside
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
