I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
