Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
