i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
