my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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