Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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