well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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