just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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