He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
