Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
