I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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