final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
