im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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