Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
