I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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