I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
