He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
