My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
sarcasm needs its own font
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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