i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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