Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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