While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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