when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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