mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
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Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
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A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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