Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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