She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
