I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
