I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
