dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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