My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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