Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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