i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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