Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You are a genius and a whore.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
