i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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