I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
