dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I want to fling myself into the sun
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
