M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
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There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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