When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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