The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
