i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
