First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
