final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
